When I decided to start this blog two years ago, my goal was to bring awareness to craniofacial disfigurements. To do that, I told my story; the good, and the not so good. I didn’t realize until the end that while I was trying to help other people, writing was helping me heal. My normal coping mechanism is ignoring and pretending nothing bad is happening. The emotions come out eventually, but sometimes not always in the best way.
While the blog gave me an outlet to heal, I realized about a year ago how much more healing I have to do. Since graduating high school, I have not associated myself with many people from my hometown other than the friends I stayed in contact with. I became more confident and outgoing and it led to me meeting some great people who I feel so blessed to call friends today.
BUT, because I was not putting myself into a position to see people from my past, I didn’t realize how much of a hold it still had on me until one random day when I saw a woman from my old church. This woman is one of the nicest people and played a huge role in my life as a child. I have no negative memories associated with her whatsoever but, as soon as I saw her and my mom began talking to her it was like I transformed back into this insecure girl who was incredibly unsure of herself. I didn’t speak one word to this woman and quickly went on my way before my mom was done speaking to her.
I do not remember much of the interaction, but I remember my mom coming up to me afterwards and asking what just happened? It was like I had become a completely different person, or Saydee from several years ago. This happened again a few weeks later, only this time I caught myself. I was in our local Applebee’s and my mom informed me that a few people who I had graduated high school with were in the booth behind us. I became very tense and jittery. I never spoke to them or even saw them, but I became instantly uncomfortable.
I have been dealing with this issue for about a year now and while it has definitely improved, I still get this nervous, jittery feeling when I see people from my past. I HATE THIS FEELING. I hate that I made so much progress over the last few years and yet, it only takes one person to put me back where I was.
I realize how silly it sounds when I try to explain it to other people. They look at me like I am crazy and overdramatizing the situation. Sometimes I think I am too. I realize this isn’t normal, but it is real and another reason why it is SO important for kindness and love to be a part of everyone’s life. It just takes one moment; one action to effect someone’s life.
Before I end this post I want to apologize to this woman from my church, and to anyone who may see me in the future. You more than likely were not a part of the reason that I am having these reactions. I more than likely think of you very highly. I hope to one day face this head on with confidence, but I am not quite there yet.